THE SNITCH/JAIL BLOG – 5/14/08

Hey JAIL fans, The Snitch here:

We’re now in week SIX of THE SNITCH (Live this week from Cell Blog “D”). Thanks for logging on while I go blogging on.

I want to remind you that next Tuesday, that's May 20th, we'll have FOUR episodes of JAIL back, to back, to back to back. That's two solid hours of JAIL and a bigger SNITCH than ever before, so look forward to that!

The theme of this weeks SNITCH is “There IS no theme”, although the highlights that stand out in my mind from the past two JAIL episodes all sound more like sound bites from bad commercials and obscure song titles and lyrics. See if you can guess the artists who recorded the lyrics found in the following JAIL cases. The answers will be at the end of the column.

TULSA, OK

Head On! Apply directly to the concrete. Head On! Apply directly to the concrete.

Take for instance the case of Malia, was Slip Slidin’ Away (1), and couldn’t stand up on her own two feet because she was falling-down drunk at the time of her arrest and subsequent booking into jail. Malia immediately went into resistance mode and decided to injure herself by bashing her own head against the brick wall in her holding cell.
“I am Woman (2) hear me roar, I throw myself upon the floor”.

LAS VEGAS, NV
PORTLAND, OR

At our next two stops, both LAS VEGAS, NV and PORTLAND, OR, both cities are lumped into my brain under the theme “Havin’ My Baby” (3).
Take the case of Nicole, the young solicitor who measured the number of her arrests by the total number of babies she’s had. If you do the math, and I have, Nicole averages one baby per two arrests. She has 12 arrests folks, now YOU do your own math. How many kids does she have? 12 divided by 2 equals? That’s right… SIX kids! Interesting fact: the last time she was arrested for solicitation, she was 9 months pregnant. Yeah, me too, All together now…Ewwwwww!

Quick trip up the coast and we have the mushroom man who decided to ingest some hallucinogenic mushrooms into his alcohol abuse regimen. Well, the combination was pretty scary, because at the time of his arrest, he claimed that he was having a baby. He was close, it was actually his WIFE that was having the baby at the same time he was being booked. Hello Hallmark? Father’s Day is coming up and I think I have a new card for you.

AUSTIN, TX

I just invented a new word for people who act like Maniacs (4) while under the influence of Zanax, or is it Xanax? “He’s a Zaaaaniac… Xaaaaniac”.

MODESTO, CA
Uptown’s got it’s hustlers.
The Bowry’s got it’s bums.
And you Don’t Meth around with 67 year-old Gary who’s taking the drug rap on behalf of his irresponsible son. Gary and his son were out driving, when a little traffic stop escalated into a fleeing felony charge, a police chase and a whole lot more because Gary’s son bolted from the vehicle which was stocked with meth supplies, unbeknownst to Gary.
Hello Hallmark? Still on the line…. Good, do you have a card for Father’s Day that says something like “Sorry for the betrayal Dad”?
By the way, what song is referenced by the above lyrics in this section? (5)

MEMPHIS, TN

“It Cuts Like a Knife” (6), but they call it a shank when the Dirt Team (DRT Detention Response Team) goes into lockdown mode and conducts cell searches. Last night, they found a piece of the support strap that had been torn off the yard fence was fashioned into a nice 8-inch blade, and tucked nicely under the bunk of an inmate. Upon further investigation, guards have noticed the loose gap in the fence in the prison yard and have put that on the list of things to get fixed.

So there you have it, do you think you know the list of songs reference in this weeks SNITCH column? A quick recap:
1- Slip Slidin’ Away
2- I Am Woman
3- Havin’ My Baby
4- Maniac
5- You Don’t Mess Around With Jim
6- Cut’s Like A Knife

ANSWERS: 1 -Simon and Garfunkel., 2- Helen Reddy, 3 – Paul Anka, 4 – Michael Sembello (give yourself an A-plus if you got that one), 5 – Jim Croce 6 – Bryan Adams

Hey, it’s been fun. Thanks for coming back to check out THE SNITCH. We do this every week as long as people mess up, so we could be here for a very long time. Check out JAIL next week at 9 and 9:30p on My TV Tampa Bay.

Snitch out!